Gosh

I'm giving myself reasons to look for reasons... but in reality, I can now clearly see that I was just blindly searching. I wanted to know that that wasn't just it. I wanted to know that there is more, but I had to keep looking.

Opening the bottle. And for once, I don't feel writer's block.

Summer's going, going... soon to be gone and I'm not ready to let it go yet.
Of course, when am I ever? The chance of sleeping in, staying out past midnight, and not studying thrills me.

And again, these past 3 months have been lovely, but I must admit that I have never felt so lonely in my life either. I met so much new people, been to so many parties, seem so many unfamiliar faces, but nobody new to call a friend.

I've met so many cute guys who thought I was also cute, but none of them made me feel as secured as you ever did. And it's painful to think about it because I'm selfish and I didn't love you like you loved me. I didn't treat you the same as you treated me. I know if we go back I'd fall back into my old ways and that would just frustrate you and this will happen all over again. And I don't want you to go through that. :/ I'm stubborn and selfish... and I'm sorry. But I just never had the chance to really apologize and tell you what's in my heart. I don't regret it because H tells me I shouldn't regret anything anymore. He says I need to learn from my mistakes and that's precisely what I am trying to do.

I know from experience that we want things we don't have. When I had us, I didn't want it, and now that I don't, I want it so much more than anything.

H tells me not to think that way because I'm just feeling lonely and all I miss is your company. Listening to this song makes me sigh a lot and think of how true his words are. I find myself alone in my room a lot, watching movies or TV. And I'm not even texting anyone anymore. I'd look at my phone but nope, nothing. Maybe a missed call from that telemarketer who won't stop calling, but that's it.

H says that I'll always have him. To be honest, I don't believe him. When he was with A, I didn't have him at all, even if I needed him the most. And now he has school and work to deal with and I'd just be a burden to him.

T says I'll always have him too, but to be honest again, I don't believe him either. He has school to deal with and his on/off girlfriend. To him, I'm just a person who he can party & smoke with whenever and just talk. But when I'm in dire need, he won't be there, because he's occupied in his own life.

I'm just thinking too much, aren't I? Yes, I probably am.