Tired and Uninspired

My theme song of the month. I've been super lazy - moreso than usual - and it scares me. Especially because now I have so much to do and so little time to do it and my mind is wandering a lot anddddd my indecisiveness kills me and everything is just killing me. Ramblerambleramble.

COMPLICATED.

I really wish I was accepted into a nice, decent college with nice, decent education and a nice, decent campus filled with NICE people. Because so far, senior year has been all about college and classes. I've applied to two colleges and those are the two back-ups.

But no, I want to go far away. My dream is to be at Edinburgh university... but maybe for grad school. For now, I'm aiming to go back East. My parents are fighting against it though. :|

Ugh. Why must college be so difficult? Why is it in Canada, you can just choose and go? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy. This is so complicated, it's stupid, it's bull. So many colleges, so many expectations, my test scores are too low, my academics don't stand out.

wathathajnhtsuithiausdad

The truth is.

With all this "truth is..." nonsense going around, I gave it a thought, and I know what my truth is.

The truth is... if I was given two choices: to die a painless death or to continue living as I am supposed to, I'd probably choose a painless death.

I've talked to G about this numerous times and he says I'm a weak person. And I can't disagree with that. In fact, I agree with that more than anything. I'm such a weak person. I have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish but that is really not something that stops me from wanting to die.

If I had the option to, I'd choose to stop living. I remember telling M about it and he was shocked to hear such a thought even cross my mind... but frankly he doesn't know that it's not just a thought that simply crosses my mind. It's a thought that haunts me. In the back of my head, even on a day where the sun is shining brighter than anything, it's there. No matter how amazing things are, there is never a solid reason for me to live. Not solid enough for me to escape the thought of dying, at least.

I don't know. I'm afraid to tell people. They'll think I'm weak... or seeking attention... or just dumb.

I don't know x2. I have to admit that when I'm talking to others, I'm extremely positive. I tell others I live by the "everything happens for a reason" rule. Which, in most cases, I do. It's not that I need to die... but given the opportunity, I'd probably take it.

I'm pathetic.

I know what I want.

I know where I wanna go and what I wanna do, but right now, getting there seems to be taking forever. That's all. Patience isn't a strong point.

These are the nights...

You know, the nights where I doubt myself, my decisions, my life, my existence... et cetera.

For God's sake.

Stop putting words in my mouth.

Mmm.. on another note, I am quite enjoying the beginning of this year. Life has never been better, or so I feel haha. I don't feel worried about my future at all because I just gotta know that when it happens, it happens. Whatever is meant for me will eventually fall into place.

I loved Almost Famous. It's all happening! Yeah, living in the moment and not in the past nor the future is terrific for my soul~

Gosh

I'm giving myself reasons to look for reasons... but in reality, I can now clearly see that I was just blindly searching. I wanted to know that that wasn't just it. I wanted to know that there is more, but I had to keep looking.