Gosh

I'm giving myself reasons to look for reasons... but in reality, I can now clearly see that I was just blindly searching. I wanted to know that that wasn't just it. I wanted to know that there is more, but I had to keep looking.

Opening the bottle. And for once, I don't feel writer's block.

Summer's going, going... soon to be gone and I'm not ready to let it go yet.
Of course, when am I ever? The chance of sleeping in, staying out past midnight, and not studying thrills me.

And again, these past 3 months have been lovely, but I must admit that I have never felt so lonely in my life either. I met so much new people, been to so many parties, seem so many unfamiliar faces, but nobody new to call a friend.

I've met so many cute guys who thought I was also cute, but none of them made me feel as secured as you ever did. And it's painful to think about it because I'm selfish and I didn't love you like you loved me. I didn't treat you the same as you treated me. I know if we go back I'd fall back into my old ways and that would just frustrate you and this will happen all over again. And I don't want you to go through that. :/ I'm stubborn and selfish... and I'm sorry. But I just never had the chance to really apologize and tell you what's in my heart. I don't regret it because H tells me I shouldn't regret anything anymore. He says I need to learn from my mistakes and that's precisely what I am trying to do.

I know from experience that we want things we don't have. When I had us, I didn't want it, and now that I don't, I want it so much more than anything.

H tells me not to think that way because I'm just feeling lonely and all I miss is your company. Listening to this song makes me sigh a lot and think of how true his words are. I find myself alone in my room a lot, watching movies or TV. And I'm not even texting anyone anymore. I'd look at my phone but nope, nothing. Maybe a missed call from that telemarketer who won't stop calling, but that's it.

H says that I'll always have him. To be honest, I don't believe him. When he was with A, I didn't have him at all, even if I needed him the most. And now he has school and work to deal with and I'd just be a burden to him.

T says I'll always have him too, but to be honest again, I don't believe him either. He has school to deal with and his on/off girlfriend. To him, I'm just a person who he can party & smoke with whenever and just talk. But when I'm in dire need, he won't be there, because he's occupied in his own life.

I'm just thinking too much, aren't I? Yes, I probably am.

Lovely.

As quick as it came, it is about to leave. Summer.

I suppose, that in all honesty...

I miss the idea of us, of you being there, of you comforting me.

When she talked about him being the one, I thought about how my naivety took a toll on me when I first thought the exact same thing with you.

I don't miss you at all. But I do miss thinking that you were my other half, that you were oh so perfect. But damn, darling... that was so long ago. It's such a distant memory now.

The Sound of Summer

The air conditioning humming on a quiet day.
The sun blinding me,
and its heat pounding against my skin.

In my neighborhood, the garages are opened,
neighbors talking, laughing, smiling.
Children running around, playing, and laughing.
Dogs on their leashes, pulling on someone.

I don't know. I just feel like a child again.
I feel like I'm back home, in the suburbs of Galloway,
except without the garages, and the kids are at Z's house.
Playing tag, drinking lemonade, eating snacks.

Oh gosh, I always find a way to remind myself of the past.

Here I go again.

With my little feelings of regret. I just wanna go through life without feeling like I should have done this or that. I did have a period of time where I felt like all my regrets were just little mistakes that brought me to where I am today.

But when I'm unhappy with where I stand, I begin to regret.

Like right now. Aaaaaah, fuckit.

I don't know why but I personally find isolation (well, to a degree) to be the best remedy.

Going out every weekend, meeting so much new people, but when I get home, I don't talk to anyone. The relationships I have with people are slipping, and I'm okay with that.

Should I be? Should I fix them?

I don't really want to. What the hell is wrong with me?