Having all this talk about the 2010-2011 school year is driving me insane. I feel like my expiration date as a high school student is coming a rapid rate.

I mean, in a way, I'm so excited and glad we only have one more year of school left. But on the other hand, I don't want to worry about college because that deadline comes faster. By now, I've realized my grades are too shitty for an ivy league or UC school so I have to kiss my dream schools goodbye. For the longest time, I've wanted to go into the graphics field, specifically for advertising, but it was never a solid thing for me. I always KNEW I was not born an artist and I am not creative at all. How will I survive? I'm not good enough for law school, and I'm not good enough to pursue an art career.

I'm not exceptionally amazing at anything I do and it pisses me off.
:@

I feel like I've wasted my life for the past.. 3 years.
I want a time machine. I want to go back in time.
Back so I can fix all my mistakes.
Because nobody ever told me how important some of my classes would be.
Nobody ever told me how important college may be.
Nobody ever told me how important APs or honors or extracurricular activities would be.

>< Blah.

And alladat.

"What makes you have confidence that he won't?" was what she said to me.

I hung out with JJ today and since we haven't seen each other in ages, we spent a lot of it talking. I told her about what has happened recently or semi-recently that I haven't told her. So I talked to her about how he moved to Cali and I was ranting and stuffs about what was bugging me about our relationship and then she asked me that question.

It was about cheating. This had never ever occurred to me whatsoever despite our frequent fights. It seems I have so much faith in him, that thinking about cheating was like.. him doing something that seemed so impossible.

I don't know. I guess, at that moment, I became aware that it could happen. And I know what a damn good liar he is. Especially when it comes to things he knows will hurt me, he can and will wait. I should trust him more though, that boy. Even though I do trust him, that whole possibility of it happening.. it's always there. Always existing.

On a very ironic note, today I saw JJ's brother too after like, what, 3-4 years? I remember when he was a junior in High School and I was like in.. 8th grade. I don't remember him being so damn good looking LOL. Apparently he's in the marines and is only back temporarily. :( How sad. He kept calling me cute and stuff. And I hated it because he was unintentionally making me feel all funny on the inside. I DO NOT LIKE THAT. NONONONONONO. Go away, feeling, go away. He knows I have a guy D: But he still does it anyway. Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
I'd hate it if I ever thought about this happening to him. That he was feeling these funny but good feelings in his tummy because of another girl.

I wish I could manually steer my feelings, like a car. I don't like how I can't control what I feel, sometimes.

asdkjasfd

I hate how damn inattentive you are.
I hate how although you respond quick, you do it with one or two words.
I hate although I try to build off your one or two word responses, you continue.
I hate how when I ask you if anything's wrong because it sounds like something's bothering you, you say nothing, even if I ask you a dozen times.

I can't read your mind, okay. You're gonna have to either tell me or suck it up because it's hard to tell what's bothering you when you're over 500 miles away and I can't ever see you.

One thing I've always hated about you was how you never really took the time to think about what it's like for the other person.

Sit the fuck down and get a clue. Stop assuming you know everything about someone and respect other people. They might be going through something you don't even fucking know, but you're off calling them disrespectful names and being extremely bitchy to them.

Well, that's you, I guess. You've just seem to have gotten better at doing it.

Aahahaha.

I was really hoping our flight would be canceled due to the blizzard, but surprisingly, we took off -- 2 hours later. Hahaha. I played in the snow and it was super cold. Now everyone's telling me how I was lucky since they had to shovel like 18 inches of snow.

I miss my baby cousin already, and all my family there. I miss Max and Chacha always licking my hands and chasing after me. I miss Justin and his undecipherable English, Thai, Vietnamese, and Cantonese in one sentence lol. I missssss themm wah.

I don't fucking want to go back to school. T_T; Shiiitt, I wish they had an extra room or L's house wasn't too far away from the school or else I'd move there like now >:|

My initial reason is not you.

It's not you at all. I'm not trying to run away from you. T thinks I am, but I'm not. I know I dislike you and if ever given the chance to become your friend again, I wouldn't, but that doesn't mean I'm going to focus on never seeing you again.

I don't fucking get why he thinks it's that. It pisses me off. Although my reason to stay was initially you, my reason to leave never was and still isn't, so what the hell?
He doesn't believe me.

I can say with truth that you are ONE of the reasons, but for goodness sake, you are not the only. Nor the main.

A little bit of wishful thinking.

I really really wish to move back here. I really do. Maybe I'm just being a pussy by hanging onto my childhood memories here, though.

Today, Mother drove me down to see K. She skipped school for me. I played in the snow. I kidnapped K's dog and used her as a pillow. I got my nails done for fun. I went shopping with no tax on clothes. ;D I went to Hamilton Mall and saw how they've redid the floor. I went to that one Italian place at Shore Mall. I went to Mandee's and past by Old Country Buffet and the Shoprite that I'd always go to when I went to Amy's house to see her little kid. And all that time, I was secretly hoping to bump into P. I fucking missed it here.

When K mentioned him, I was actually kind of glad. It was like she read my mind haha.

Yeah, I'm just being a whinyass little girl by hanging onto the past hahaha.