My life's been good, but of course, in a matter of seconds, things could always get worse. And worse. and worse. and then terrible.

I'm weird. My mood fluctuates so much.
Sometimes I'm positive, sometimes I just want everyone to fall off the face of Earth.
Sometimes I just go with the flow.

I want to be one mood all the time, dammit. I'm like the epitome of mood swings.

You're too caught up in the same things, still assuming this & that and still don't even know the whole story.

I won't bother.

Gah.

It's just that summer is so damn close, but certainly it is not close enough. Summer, I can smell you. I can feel you.

Driving home today, my arms were getting that tingling-tanning sensation I'd always get when I step outside my doorstep for a split second during summer. And I just instantly came to the realization that I am only 1 week and 1 school day away from spring break.
Then after that, only 2 months of school left.
And I'd say school feels like it ends a bit earlier than that because APUSH will be a free class and it's gonna be heaveeen~

So damn, how amazing is this gonna be? We're seniors next year. I am going to graduate. I am doing so at a school I didn't even know I'd still attend as a senior. I am doing so in a school I attended for four years (the first school I've attended for more than 3 xD), with people I've known for 4 years, with people I've hated and loved, or loved and hated. With people I've maybe had a fascination with, or just recently met, or really would like to know but may never have the chance to. People I've stopped talking to, people I became closer to.

Ah. It's kinda weird, how I'm feeling. Like it's really far away still - graduation - but I feel like it's going to happen so soon. And I bet it will because I didn't expect the last 3 years of High School to just fly by like that.

Holy shi-

So many feelings and thoughts but my lack of vocabulary seems to block my ability to explain it thoroughly.

Simple vocab: I'm so happy, annoyed, worried, sad, tired, and so much more. AT THE SAME TIME.

Oh, days like these just drive me crazy.

Although, overall, good day. Good day.

Having all this talk about the 2010-2011 school year is driving me insane. I feel like my expiration date as a high school student is coming a rapid rate.

I mean, in a way, I'm so excited and glad we only have one more year of school left. But on the other hand, I don't want to worry about college because that deadline comes faster. By now, I've realized my grades are too shitty for an ivy league or UC school so I have to kiss my dream schools goodbye. For the longest time, I've wanted to go into the graphics field, specifically for advertising, but it was never a solid thing for me. I always KNEW I was not born an artist and I am not creative at all. How will I survive? I'm not good enough for law school, and I'm not good enough to pursue an art career.

I'm not exceptionally amazing at anything I do and it pisses me off.
:@

I feel like I've wasted my life for the past.. 3 years.
I want a time machine. I want to go back in time.
Back so I can fix all my mistakes.
Because nobody ever told me how important some of my classes would be.
Nobody ever told me how important college may be.
Nobody ever told me how important APs or honors or extracurricular activities would be.

>< Blah.

And alladat.

"What makes you have confidence that he won't?" was what she said to me.

I hung out with JJ today and since we haven't seen each other in ages, we spent a lot of it talking. I told her about what has happened recently or semi-recently that I haven't told her. So I talked to her about how he moved to Cali and I was ranting and stuffs about what was bugging me about our relationship and then she asked me that question.

It was about cheating. This had never ever occurred to me whatsoever despite our frequent fights. It seems I have so much faith in him, that thinking about cheating was like.. him doing something that seemed so impossible.

I don't know. I guess, at that moment, I became aware that it could happen. And I know what a damn good liar he is. Especially when it comes to things he knows will hurt me, he can and will wait. I should trust him more though, that boy. Even though I do trust him, that whole possibility of it happening.. it's always there. Always existing.

On a very ironic note, today I saw JJ's brother too after like, what, 3-4 years? I remember when he was a junior in High School and I was like in.. 8th grade. I don't remember him being so damn good looking LOL. Apparently he's in the marines and is only back temporarily. :( How sad. He kept calling me cute and stuff. And I hated it because he was unintentionally making me feel all funny on the inside. I DO NOT LIKE THAT. NONONONONONO. Go away, feeling, go away. He knows I have a guy D: But he still does it anyway. Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
I'd hate it if I ever thought about this happening to him. That he was feeling these funny but good feelings in his tummy because of another girl.

I wish I could manually steer my feelings, like a car. I don't like how I can't control what I feel, sometimes.

asdkjasfd

I hate how damn inattentive you are.
I hate how although you respond quick, you do it with one or two words.
I hate although I try to build off your one or two word responses, you continue.
I hate how when I ask you if anything's wrong because it sounds like something's bothering you, you say nothing, even if I ask you a dozen times.

I can't read your mind, okay. You're gonna have to either tell me or suck it up because it's hard to tell what's bothering you when you're over 500 miles away and I can't ever see you.