The last Saturday of January.

Today was that day. It was also Zone. It was also like the only Saturday I've waken up at 6AM.
I guess I can sum up my day in one word: GREAT.

Yesss, it was fun. Definitely. The keynote speaker.. he was pretty inspiring. The one line that I remember most from his little speech was something like, "you're here today on this Saturday, but those lonely people will still be lonely on this Saturday." I don't know why it stuck out to me so much. Maybe it made me think that we all had really different lives, and I know for a fact many of us don't even think about others and what they do outside of school.
Like I didn't even know P had a job on weekends, and she's able to manage to finish her homework and spend time with her boyfriend, yaddayada.

When he also said that we're all human who experiences problems, it's so true. I remember coming to this about that about 2 years ago. I remember thinking how I was so naive because I thought I had it bad. I thought I suffered. I thought my life was terrible because everyone else I knew always had a smile. They always knew what to say. They always had that great attitude. But then I realized, we all have our own problems. The little or big things that make us think our lives are terrible.
And I guess this ties into me talking to A.
Ohh and I was so happy to see him<3 because I haven't seen this kid in ages! Catching up was real good & actually talking and dancing was pretty fun. I forgot how fun he can be to talk to. He did bring me back to the summer of freshman year, most definitely.
Anyway, I remember asking A, "how's life?" and he was actually honest with me. Telling me brief details how his life isn't the best, how he's wishing it was better, as opposed to, "oh it's great!" and then he said, "little things like [zone] is my escape." And I can't help think but how true it is.
Going there this Saturday made me forget so many things. The little problems in my life. The things that make me angry, that make me sad, that make me worried. All I thought about was having fun and meeting new people and going crazy and being spirited.
Anyway, I guess talking to him made me happy. And it was a good thing I did. His SAT score was 2100ish, which was amazing, but I realize how hard he works in school and how hard he studies just to get what he gets. He's a really hard worker.

So I should stop being so fucking lazy.

And I guess I can say one of the few reasons I want to even stay here is because of this. StuCo. The things I learn, the people I talk to, the motivation and inspiration I receive. Sure, sometimes I want to just kill some of the people in there, but for the most part, it's great. :)

lol but then I think there is a StuCo there so.. uh yeah. ;D

Logic and feeling.

Mmm.. Talking to H about this really made me think.

You think with your mind, using logic. She thinks with her heart, reacting on feelings.

And I guess that's a problem. Logically, there should be no problem with you calling me, as we live 500+ miles away from each other, and we've been friends for almost 10 years. But she feels that two people talking on the phone for hours until the sun rises is not a good thing.

I guess that makes me realize how I think with my mind. I no longer think with my heart in this. My heart takes me to the wrong places, or at least places that I feel are wrong. My heart knows what I want, but my mind knows what I want is wrong at times.

And right now, I am totally completely blocking out what my heart really wants.
It's not always 'follow your heart', is it?
Sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
But sometimes it does.

Hmm. Tough choice. The call's on me.

Blockade.

I absolutely despise that uneasy feeling I feel. You know, nothing's going right, everything's just crazy and hectic.

I just want the world to stop for a second, let me take a breather. Let me get my mind straight. Stop having time fly by so fast.

Gah, filling out applications is tedious work. Annoying and tedious. I'm not sure if I'm really making the right choice by leaving for senior year. I really want to leave. So badly. But it's my last year, why leave? Why throw the last 3 years of hard work away? I've written a list: reasons to leave & reasons not to. Currently, the reasons to leave is winning, but why do I feel like I'm making the wrong choice?

It's not that I want someone to tell me to stay. I won't listen like I did before.

But the future's scaring me. What college am I going to? What am I even going to do in college? Why is there so much pressure? Why are SATs so suckish? Why am I trying to be an overachiever when that is obviously something I am totally not even fit to be?

I think if I knew what I wanted to do after High School and what uni I want to go to, it might put me at ease, because then I'll know whether or not leaving will truly be a mistake.

Blah.

Sincerely, me.

You. Oh my goodness. I'm lying to the two people I love the most in the world every fucking time for you, and you're okay with it. And then we always have problems, and I know it's always my fault. I mean, yeah, I can handle blame. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. Maybe.. maybe I'm just really tired of us, and all these problems I have with myself, and all these problems you have with me. I don't even know what's up with me anymore. I hate you, then I hate myself, then I hate you for loving the horrible person I am, then you hate me. Repeat.

And you. You're nothing to me. I'm a terrible person for saying this, but really, with all that shit you said... yeah. You're not even worthy for any more words.

You. I met you a few weeks ago but every time you leave a voicemail, it brightens up my day. You say the funniest things. If I could ship you out to your girlfriend, I swear, I would, because that would be my gift to you for leaving me the best voicemails ever. It helps keep me somewhat sane.

K. I miss you. I want to move back so we can watch movies and have sleepovers. I want to move back so I know what it feels like to have a real friend again.

P. I just miss you. Hahahaha. Every single time you cross my mind, the feeling of nostalgia hits instantly. :) And every single time that one song plays on the radio, or on my iPod, I'm just swept away into another world.

H. Ohmygoodness, if I were ever to write you something, like a total compilation of the million reasons of why I love you and am thankful you're back in my life, it'd be a novel.


I wish for so many things, but I guess something I really want is genuine happiness. What am I without it?
Lost, indifferent, apathetic, that's fucking what.

agghh I want to scream so loud.

Taking it back.

I saw him today for the first time in a while, heading into the cafeteria for Battle of the Bands. I am still baffled as to why the moment I saw him walking down that hall, it immediately brought me back to freshman year.. like a freakish time warp or something.

I instantly thought of Cloverfield, the bus, j-rock, 4chan, and our awkward but memorable 3am conversations. It's weird to me because I haven't thought about him in forever. Well, not really think about him the way I used to. He still looked the same. I still like what he wears. He just looked a bit more foreign to me.

I guess I was just surprised that those things even came to mind when I saw him in the halls of our school. The halls we used to walk down together.

I don't miss it that much.
My heart didn't begin to explode, like it used to.

I just enjoy reminiscing.
And remembering what used to be..
good.

Flashback.

About three years ago, January 2007, I felt miserable. I wanted life to hurry up. I had just finished watching 'Karin' and I had an obsession with vampires. But more importantly, I really wanted to head onto high school. I wanted to get out of middle school, and hurry to high school.

About two years ago, early 2008, I was a freshman. I had met this senior. 4 months. We lasted 4 months. The last 2 dragged on. I was afraid to show my emotions because I didn't want to scare him off. There was this one day, I remember oh so clearly.. that I felt like I was in love. But I knew better. I cried when we were over, but it's okay. I got over it.

About a year ago, early 2009, everything was perfect. Well, it was a blur, but it was a blurry perfection. I wished for a lot of things, but really, I was satisfied with everything and everyone. I liked high school, at this point. Everything was in my favor.

Now, 2010, I'm sick and tired of almost everyone and everything. I just want to get out of high school and move onto college. I want to get away from my strict parents that keep my locked up in my house. I want to escape stupid high school drama. I want to run away from the impatient me that can't wait for senior year.

I want to be alive. I want to live.

Our conversations only happen late at night.

Late, late at night. Past 2 in the morning.

But you know what? Talking to you, even at such a time, puts me in a peaceful state. It's weird to say such a thing to someone I met only two or three weeks ago, but I'm dead serious. And all the things you've told me just makes me want to hug you. Your life's been rough. People have been too hard on you. You've been too hard on yourself. And you made me realize so many things about myself that nobody else ever has.

I think I'm just falling for your mind.
It's weird, I know. Your mind? But I think the only thing we're good for are late night talks about why we can't sleep and what's troubling us.

Yesterday, our conversation was weak because your life was swell and I was finally content.
Today, our conversation was more or less, mediocre. We didn't exchange our problems like we did before.
All you did was listen to what I had to complain about.
I'm afraid that's all we're good for. Late nights when we can't fall asleep.

A little bit of peace.

Today was a pretty good day, but I realized that no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, & no matter what you do.. someone is going to dislike you. :|
Er, I kind of go here for a bit of an escape because these people are so refreshingly different. It's great.The environment is light and happy.

But of course, there is still a little hatred going on even here.
I'm not involved in it, but it's still present, and I hear about "ugh, I hate her, she blahblahblah."
I do very much like her maturity in this though. How she really doesn't react irrationally when she does get insulted.

Albeit it's something I have no control over, it is surely something I could only hope would one day resolve itself. That is only wishful thinking.
I'm not sure why, but there's always just gotta be someone there to judge you, to point out a flaw, to point out something they don't particularly like about you.

And what sucks the most is that whether or not they know you.. it doesn't even matter. They could dislike me just because of the way I look or the way I dress.

I just kinda wish.. we'd stop all of this. Or maybe I wish more people would realize the harm hatred can cause.

I'm no peace activist, nor am I exactly the most zen person to say not to hate, but I've been trying my hardest to not judge anyone without personally knowing them & to not hate, even if I do judge.

Why are emotions so hard to handle?

A little something I needed.

One of the best and memorable conversations I've ever had began with a "I have found the meaning of life, but I can't tell you."

And after hours of non-stop talking, it simply ended with "You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Bye."

He was a stranger. I never knew he existed until that day. I never got any more than his first name. I am probably never going to see him again. It's funny how life works sometimes.

Lack thereof

The days where I lack complete motivation and any fucking drive to do anything, to even simply live, or get out of bed, are the worst days. Ever.

I know they're bad. And I know I should be a bit more.. motivated. But I'm not.

This is a phase I constantly jump back to. No matter how strong I am or try to be, it always comes straight back to first base. And it's not just an every now and then phase. It's an every week, almost, or every other day. It is just becoming so much more frequent. These constant series of downing is killing me ever so slowly. Ever so fucking slowly.

And I kind of don't want it to end at all, in a sense. Admittedly, I am weak. I know for a fact that I am so damn weak. But it's okay. We all have our weaknesses, our little issues, our problematic wall to jump over.

But when will I become psychologically strong enough to knock it down once and for all?

Thoughts. Oh, thoughts.

I think I may want to start a happiness meme 365. starting today.

Or talk about my day as much as I can. I never really got around to it the last few times I said I would, though.

I really need to finish my Kafka on the Shore essay.
It's a great book, but analysing it is proving to be a bit of a hassle.. and a slight challenge. This book gives you some straightforward themes, but interpreting the symbolism and the magical realism that is going on is the hard part. I'm not much of a fantastical person. Perhaps it's because it takes a little more digging.

Hmm.

That could be it.

I really want to sing. I really want to sing as loud as I can.

And sleep, I really want to sleep.

I want to sing.. and sleep. Not at the same time, of course. But these are the two things I currently crave.

I need to do my homework. I don't have too much to do.. but it's still a hassle.
My brain's been off for the past however many days.

Mmmmmmm..

Memories. A strong theme in Kafka. At least I think so.
Miss Saeki lived her life without reason and only became alive during her memories.
"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart." My favorite quote because it's absolutely true and this applies to me so much.

Tired. I guess I'm gonna stop for now. My brain seems to be quite dysfunctional as of late. :/ Notgoodman.

A new beginning.

"A new year, a new beginning" is always such a cliche thing to say, isn't it?

This year was the first time I didn't make it to 12am to celebrate with everyone else. I fell asleep on the couch instead. Waking up at around 10am, and almost forgetting that it was January 1st made it seem like such a regular day.

Then I thought.. why must the new year be a new beginning? I could always change myself. In fact, I'm always changing already. But what's with these resolutions? I could begin any time I want.

And so, this year, I don't really have resolutions for the new year (given that I probably won't accomplish them anyhow).

I feel extremely lethargic, and I should change that mindset of mine.

I should do what I feel instead of what others want me to do.

I could have started any moment though.