Tired and Uninspired

My theme song of the month. I've been super lazy - moreso than usual - and it scares me. Especially because now I have so much to do and so little time to do it and my mind is wandering a lot anddddd my indecisiveness kills me and everything is just killing me. Ramblerambleramble.

COMPLICATED.

I really wish I was accepted into a nice, decent college with nice, decent education and a nice, decent campus filled with NICE people. Because so far, senior year has been all about college and classes. I've applied to two colleges and those are the two back-ups.

But no, I want to go far away. My dream is to be at Edinburgh university... but maybe for grad school. For now, I'm aiming to go back East. My parents are fighting against it though. :|

Ugh. Why must college be so difficult? Why is it in Canada, you can just choose and go? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy. This is so complicated, it's stupid, it's bull. So many colleges, so many expectations, my test scores are too low, my academics don't stand out.

wathathajnhtsuithiausdad

The truth is.

With all this "truth is..." nonsense going around, I gave it a thought, and I know what my truth is.

The truth is... if I was given two choices: to die a painless death or to continue living as I am supposed to, I'd probably choose a painless death.

I've talked to G about this numerous times and he says I'm a weak person. And I can't disagree with that. In fact, I agree with that more than anything. I'm such a weak person. I have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish but that is really not something that stops me from wanting to die.

If I had the option to, I'd choose to stop living. I remember telling M about it and he was shocked to hear such a thought even cross my mind... but frankly he doesn't know that it's not just a thought that simply crosses my mind. It's a thought that haunts me. In the back of my head, even on a day where the sun is shining brighter than anything, it's there. No matter how amazing things are, there is never a solid reason for me to live. Not solid enough for me to escape the thought of dying, at least.

I don't know. I'm afraid to tell people. They'll think I'm weak... or seeking attention... or just dumb.

I don't know x2. I have to admit that when I'm talking to others, I'm extremely positive. I tell others I live by the "everything happens for a reason" rule. Which, in most cases, I do. It's not that I need to die... but given the opportunity, I'd probably take it.

I'm pathetic.

I know what I want.

I know where I wanna go and what I wanna do, but right now, getting there seems to be taking forever. That's all. Patience isn't a strong point.

These are the nights...

You know, the nights where I doubt myself, my decisions, my life, my existence... et cetera.

For God's sake.

Stop putting words in my mouth.

Mmm.. on another note, I am quite enjoying the beginning of this year. Life has never been better, or so I feel haha. I don't feel worried about my future at all because I just gotta know that when it happens, it happens. Whatever is meant for me will eventually fall into place.

I loved Almost Famous. It's all happening! Yeah, living in the moment and not in the past nor the future is terrific for my soul~

Gosh

I'm giving myself reasons to look for reasons... but in reality, I can now clearly see that I was just blindly searching. I wanted to know that that wasn't just it. I wanted to know that there is more, but I had to keep looking.

Opening the bottle. And for once, I don't feel writer's block.

Summer's going, going... soon to be gone and I'm not ready to let it go yet.
Of course, when am I ever? The chance of sleeping in, staying out past midnight, and not studying thrills me.

And again, these past 3 months have been lovely, but I must admit that I have never felt so lonely in my life either. I met so much new people, been to so many parties, seem so many unfamiliar faces, but nobody new to call a friend.

I've met so many cute guys who thought I was also cute, but none of them made me feel as secured as you ever did. And it's painful to think about it because I'm selfish and I didn't love you like you loved me. I didn't treat you the same as you treated me. I know if we go back I'd fall back into my old ways and that would just frustrate you and this will happen all over again. And I don't want you to go through that. :/ I'm stubborn and selfish... and I'm sorry. But I just never had the chance to really apologize and tell you what's in my heart. I don't regret it because H tells me I shouldn't regret anything anymore. He says I need to learn from my mistakes and that's precisely what I am trying to do.

I know from experience that we want things we don't have. When I had us, I didn't want it, and now that I don't, I want it so much more than anything.

H tells me not to think that way because I'm just feeling lonely and all I miss is your company. Listening to this song makes me sigh a lot and think of how true his words are. I find myself alone in my room a lot, watching movies or TV. And I'm not even texting anyone anymore. I'd look at my phone but nope, nothing. Maybe a missed call from that telemarketer who won't stop calling, but that's it.

H says that I'll always have him. To be honest, I don't believe him. When he was with A, I didn't have him at all, even if I needed him the most. And now he has school and work to deal with and I'd just be a burden to him.

T says I'll always have him too, but to be honest again, I don't believe him either. He has school to deal with and his on/off girlfriend. To him, I'm just a person who he can party & smoke with whenever and just talk. But when I'm in dire need, he won't be there, because he's occupied in his own life.

I'm just thinking too much, aren't I? Yes, I probably am.

Lovely.

As quick as it came, it is about to leave. Summer.

I suppose, that in all honesty...

I miss the idea of us, of you being there, of you comforting me.

When she talked about him being the one, I thought about how my naivety took a toll on me when I first thought the exact same thing with you.

I don't miss you at all. But I do miss thinking that you were my other half, that you were oh so perfect. But damn, darling... that was so long ago. It's such a distant memory now.

The Sound of Summer

The air conditioning humming on a quiet day.
The sun blinding me,
and its heat pounding against my skin.

In my neighborhood, the garages are opened,
neighbors talking, laughing, smiling.
Children running around, playing, and laughing.
Dogs on their leashes, pulling on someone.

I don't know. I just feel like a child again.
I feel like I'm back home, in the suburbs of Galloway,
except without the garages, and the kids are at Z's house.
Playing tag, drinking lemonade, eating snacks.

Oh gosh, I always find a way to remind myself of the past.

Here I go again.

With my little feelings of regret. I just wanna go through life without feeling like I should have done this or that. I did have a period of time where I felt like all my regrets were just little mistakes that brought me to where I am today.

But when I'm unhappy with where I stand, I begin to regret.

Like right now. Aaaaaah, fuckit.

I don't know why but I personally find isolation (well, to a degree) to be the best remedy.

Going out every weekend, meeting so much new people, but when I get home, I don't talk to anyone. The relationships I have with people are slipping, and I'm okay with that.

Should I be? Should I fix them?

I don't really want to. What the hell is wrong with me?

My life's been good, but of course, in a matter of seconds, things could always get worse. And worse. and worse. and then terrible.

I'm weird. My mood fluctuates so much.
Sometimes I'm positive, sometimes I just want everyone to fall off the face of Earth.
Sometimes I just go with the flow.

I want to be one mood all the time, dammit. I'm like the epitome of mood swings.

You're too caught up in the same things, still assuming this & that and still don't even know the whole story.

I won't bother.

Gah.

It's just that summer is so damn close, but certainly it is not close enough. Summer, I can smell you. I can feel you.

Driving home today, my arms were getting that tingling-tanning sensation I'd always get when I step outside my doorstep for a split second during summer. And I just instantly came to the realization that I am only 1 week and 1 school day away from spring break.
Then after that, only 2 months of school left.
And I'd say school feels like it ends a bit earlier than that because APUSH will be a free class and it's gonna be heaveeen~

So damn, how amazing is this gonna be? We're seniors next year. I am going to graduate. I am doing so at a school I didn't even know I'd still attend as a senior. I am doing so in a school I attended for four years (the first school I've attended for more than 3 xD), with people I've known for 4 years, with people I've hated and loved, or loved and hated. With people I've maybe had a fascination with, or just recently met, or really would like to know but may never have the chance to. People I've stopped talking to, people I became closer to.

Ah. It's kinda weird, how I'm feeling. Like it's really far away still - graduation - but I feel like it's going to happen so soon. And I bet it will because I didn't expect the last 3 years of High School to just fly by like that.

Holy shi-

So many feelings and thoughts but my lack of vocabulary seems to block my ability to explain it thoroughly.

Simple vocab: I'm so happy, annoyed, worried, sad, tired, and so much more. AT THE SAME TIME.

Oh, days like these just drive me crazy.

Although, overall, good day. Good day.

Having all this talk about the 2010-2011 school year is driving me insane. I feel like my expiration date as a high school student is coming a rapid rate.

I mean, in a way, I'm so excited and glad we only have one more year of school left. But on the other hand, I don't want to worry about college because that deadline comes faster. By now, I've realized my grades are too shitty for an ivy league or UC school so I have to kiss my dream schools goodbye. For the longest time, I've wanted to go into the graphics field, specifically for advertising, but it was never a solid thing for me. I always KNEW I was not born an artist and I am not creative at all. How will I survive? I'm not good enough for law school, and I'm not good enough to pursue an art career.

I'm not exceptionally amazing at anything I do and it pisses me off.
:@

I feel like I've wasted my life for the past.. 3 years.
I want a time machine. I want to go back in time.
Back so I can fix all my mistakes.
Because nobody ever told me how important some of my classes would be.
Nobody ever told me how important college may be.
Nobody ever told me how important APs or honors or extracurricular activities would be.

>< Blah.

And alladat.

"What makes you have confidence that he won't?" was what she said to me.

I hung out with JJ today and since we haven't seen each other in ages, we spent a lot of it talking. I told her about what has happened recently or semi-recently that I haven't told her. So I talked to her about how he moved to Cali and I was ranting and stuffs about what was bugging me about our relationship and then she asked me that question.

It was about cheating. This had never ever occurred to me whatsoever despite our frequent fights. It seems I have so much faith in him, that thinking about cheating was like.. him doing something that seemed so impossible.

I don't know. I guess, at that moment, I became aware that it could happen. And I know what a damn good liar he is. Especially when it comes to things he knows will hurt me, he can and will wait. I should trust him more though, that boy. Even though I do trust him, that whole possibility of it happening.. it's always there. Always existing.

On a very ironic note, today I saw JJ's brother too after like, what, 3-4 years? I remember when he was a junior in High School and I was like in.. 8th grade. I don't remember him being so damn good looking LOL. Apparently he's in the marines and is only back temporarily. :( How sad. He kept calling me cute and stuff. And I hated it because he was unintentionally making me feel all funny on the inside. I DO NOT LIKE THAT. NONONONONONO. Go away, feeling, go away. He knows I have a guy D: But he still does it anyway. Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
I'd hate it if I ever thought about this happening to him. That he was feeling these funny but good feelings in his tummy because of another girl.

I wish I could manually steer my feelings, like a car. I don't like how I can't control what I feel, sometimes.

asdkjasfd

I hate how damn inattentive you are.
I hate how although you respond quick, you do it with one or two words.
I hate although I try to build off your one or two word responses, you continue.
I hate how when I ask you if anything's wrong because it sounds like something's bothering you, you say nothing, even if I ask you a dozen times.

I can't read your mind, okay. You're gonna have to either tell me or suck it up because it's hard to tell what's bothering you when you're over 500 miles away and I can't ever see you.

One thing I've always hated about you was how you never really took the time to think about what it's like for the other person.

Sit the fuck down and get a clue. Stop assuming you know everything about someone and respect other people. They might be going through something you don't even fucking know, but you're off calling them disrespectful names and being extremely bitchy to them.

Well, that's you, I guess. You've just seem to have gotten better at doing it.

Aahahaha.

I was really hoping our flight would be canceled due to the blizzard, but surprisingly, we took off -- 2 hours later. Hahaha. I played in the snow and it was super cold. Now everyone's telling me how I was lucky since they had to shovel like 18 inches of snow.

I miss my baby cousin already, and all my family there. I miss Max and Chacha always licking my hands and chasing after me. I miss Justin and his undecipherable English, Thai, Vietnamese, and Cantonese in one sentence lol. I missssss themm wah.

I don't fucking want to go back to school. T_T; Shiiitt, I wish they had an extra room or L's house wasn't too far away from the school or else I'd move there like now >:|

My initial reason is not you.

It's not you at all. I'm not trying to run away from you. T thinks I am, but I'm not. I know I dislike you and if ever given the chance to become your friend again, I wouldn't, but that doesn't mean I'm going to focus on never seeing you again.

I don't fucking get why he thinks it's that. It pisses me off. Although my reason to stay was initially you, my reason to leave never was and still isn't, so what the hell?
He doesn't believe me.

I can say with truth that you are ONE of the reasons, but for goodness sake, you are not the only. Nor the main.

A little bit of wishful thinking.

I really really wish to move back here. I really do. Maybe I'm just being a pussy by hanging onto my childhood memories here, though.

Today, Mother drove me down to see K. She skipped school for me. I played in the snow. I kidnapped K's dog and used her as a pillow. I got my nails done for fun. I went shopping with no tax on clothes. ;D I went to Hamilton Mall and saw how they've redid the floor. I went to that one Italian place at Shore Mall. I went to Mandee's and past by Old Country Buffet and the Shoprite that I'd always go to when I went to Amy's house to see her little kid. And all that time, I was secretly hoping to bump into P. I fucking missed it here.

When K mentioned him, I was actually kind of glad. It was like she read my mind haha.

Yeah, I'm just being a whinyass little girl by hanging onto the past hahaha.

The last Saturday of January.

Today was that day. It was also Zone. It was also like the only Saturday I've waken up at 6AM.
I guess I can sum up my day in one word: GREAT.

Yesss, it was fun. Definitely. The keynote speaker.. he was pretty inspiring. The one line that I remember most from his little speech was something like, "you're here today on this Saturday, but those lonely people will still be lonely on this Saturday." I don't know why it stuck out to me so much. Maybe it made me think that we all had really different lives, and I know for a fact many of us don't even think about others and what they do outside of school.
Like I didn't even know P had a job on weekends, and she's able to manage to finish her homework and spend time with her boyfriend, yaddayada.

When he also said that we're all human who experiences problems, it's so true. I remember coming to this about that about 2 years ago. I remember thinking how I was so naive because I thought I had it bad. I thought I suffered. I thought my life was terrible because everyone else I knew always had a smile. They always knew what to say. They always had that great attitude. But then I realized, we all have our own problems. The little or big things that make us think our lives are terrible.
And I guess this ties into me talking to A.
Ohh and I was so happy to see him<3 because I haven't seen this kid in ages! Catching up was real good & actually talking and dancing was pretty fun. I forgot how fun he can be to talk to. He did bring me back to the summer of freshman year, most definitely.
Anyway, I remember asking A, "how's life?" and he was actually honest with me. Telling me brief details how his life isn't the best, how he's wishing it was better, as opposed to, "oh it's great!" and then he said, "little things like [zone] is my escape." And I can't help think but how true it is.
Going there this Saturday made me forget so many things. The little problems in my life. The things that make me angry, that make me sad, that make me worried. All I thought about was having fun and meeting new people and going crazy and being spirited.
Anyway, I guess talking to him made me happy. And it was a good thing I did. His SAT score was 2100ish, which was amazing, but I realize how hard he works in school and how hard he studies just to get what he gets. He's a really hard worker.

So I should stop being so fucking lazy.

And I guess I can say one of the few reasons I want to even stay here is because of this. StuCo. The things I learn, the people I talk to, the motivation and inspiration I receive. Sure, sometimes I want to just kill some of the people in there, but for the most part, it's great. :)

lol but then I think there is a StuCo there so.. uh yeah. ;D

Logic and feeling.

Mmm.. Talking to H about this really made me think.

You think with your mind, using logic. She thinks with her heart, reacting on feelings.

And I guess that's a problem. Logically, there should be no problem with you calling me, as we live 500+ miles away from each other, and we've been friends for almost 10 years. But she feels that two people talking on the phone for hours until the sun rises is not a good thing.

I guess that makes me realize how I think with my mind. I no longer think with my heart in this. My heart takes me to the wrong places, or at least places that I feel are wrong. My heart knows what I want, but my mind knows what I want is wrong at times.

And right now, I am totally completely blocking out what my heart really wants.
It's not always 'follow your heart', is it?
Sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
But sometimes it does.

Hmm. Tough choice. The call's on me.

Blockade.

I absolutely despise that uneasy feeling I feel. You know, nothing's going right, everything's just crazy and hectic.

I just want the world to stop for a second, let me take a breather. Let me get my mind straight. Stop having time fly by so fast.

Gah, filling out applications is tedious work. Annoying and tedious. I'm not sure if I'm really making the right choice by leaving for senior year. I really want to leave. So badly. But it's my last year, why leave? Why throw the last 3 years of hard work away? I've written a list: reasons to leave & reasons not to. Currently, the reasons to leave is winning, but why do I feel like I'm making the wrong choice?

It's not that I want someone to tell me to stay. I won't listen like I did before.

But the future's scaring me. What college am I going to? What am I even going to do in college? Why is there so much pressure? Why are SATs so suckish? Why am I trying to be an overachiever when that is obviously something I am totally not even fit to be?

I think if I knew what I wanted to do after High School and what uni I want to go to, it might put me at ease, because then I'll know whether or not leaving will truly be a mistake.

Blah.

Sincerely, me.

You. Oh my goodness. I'm lying to the two people I love the most in the world every fucking time for you, and you're okay with it. And then we always have problems, and I know it's always my fault. I mean, yeah, I can handle blame. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. Maybe.. maybe I'm just really tired of us, and all these problems I have with myself, and all these problems you have with me. I don't even know what's up with me anymore. I hate you, then I hate myself, then I hate you for loving the horrible person I am, then you hate me. Repeat.

And you. You're nothing to me. I'm a terrible person for saying this, but really, with all that shit you said... yeah. You're not even worthy for any more words.

You. I met you a few weeks ago but every time you leave a voicemail, it brightens up my day. You say the funniest things. If I could ship you out to your girlfriend, I swear, I would, because that would be my gift to you for leaving me the best voicemails ever. It helps keep me somewhat sane.

K. I miss you. I want to move back so we can watch movies and have sleepovers. I want to move back so I know what it feels like to have a real friend again.

P. I just miss you. Hahahaha. Every single time you cross my mind, the feeling of nostalgia hits instantly. :) And every single time that one song plays on the radio, or on my iPod, I'm just swept away into another world.

H. Ohmygoodness, if I were ever to write you something, like a total compilation of the million reasons of why I love you and am thankful you're back in my life, it'd be a novel.


I wish for so many things, but I guess something I really want is genuine happiness. What am I without it?
Lost, indifferent, apathetic, that's fucking what.

agghh I want to scream so loud.

Taking it back.

I saw him today for the first time in a while, heading into the cafeteria for Battle of the Bands. I am still baffled as to why the moment I saw him walking down that hall, it immediately brought me back to freshman year.. like a freakish time warp or something.

I instantly thought of Cloverfield, the bus, j-rock, 4chan, and our awkward but memorable 3am conversations. It's weird to me because I haven't thought about him in forever. Well, not really think about him the way I used to. He still looked the same. I still like what he wears. He just looked a bit more foreign to me.

I guess I was just surprised that those things even came to mind when I saw him in the halls of our school. The halls we used to walk down together.

I don't miss it that much.
My heart didn't begin to explode, like it used to.

I just enjoy reminiscing.
And remembering what used to be..
good.

Flashback.

About three years ago, January 2007, I felt miserable. I wanted life to hurry up. I had just finished watching 'Karin' and I had an obsession with vampires. But more importantly, I really wanted to head onto high school. I wanted to get out of middle school, and hurry to high school.

About two years ago, early 2008, I was a freshman. I had met this senior. 4 months. We lasted 4 months. The last 2 dragged on. I was afraid to show my emotions because I didn't want to scare him off. There was this one day, I remember oh so clearly.. that I felt like I was in love. But I knew better. I cried when we were over, but it's okay. I got over it.

About a year ago, early 2009, everything was perfect. Well, it was a blur, but it was a blurry perfection. I wished for a lot of things, but really, I was satisfied with everything and everyone. I liked high school, at this point. Everything was in my favor.

Now, 2010, I'm sick and tired of almost everyone and everything. I just want to get out of high school and move onto college. I want to get away from my strict parents that keep my locked up in my house. I want to escape stupid high school drama. I want to run away from the impatient me that can't wait for senior year.

I want to be alive. I want to live.

Our conversations only happen late at night.

Late, late at night. Past 2 in the morning.

But you know what? Talking to you, even at such a time, puts me in a peaceful state. It's weird to say such a thing to someone I met only two or three weeks ago, but I'm dead serious. And all the things you've told me just makes me want to hug you. Your life's been rough. People have been too hard on you. You've been too hard on yourself. And you made me realize so many things about myself that nobody else ever has.

I think I'm just falling for your mind.
It's weird, I know. Your mind? But I think the only thing we're good for are late night talks about why we can't sleep and what's troubling us.

Yesterday, our conversation was weak because your life was swell and I was finally content.
Today, our conversation was more or less, mediocre. We didn't exchange our problems like we did before.
All you did was listen to what I had to complain about.
I'm afraid that's all we're good for. Late nights when we can't fall asleep.

A little bit of peace.

Today was a pretty good day, but I realized that no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, & no matter what you do.. someone is going to dislike you. :|
Er, I kind of go here for a bit of an escape because these people are so refreshingly different. It's great.The environment is light and happy.

But of course, there is still a little hatred going on even here.
I'm not involved in it, but it's still present, and I hear about "ugh, I hate her, she blahblahblah."
I do very much like her maturity in this though. How she really doesn't react irrationally when she does get insulted.

Albeit it's something I have no control over, it is surely something I could only hope would one day resolve itself. That is only wishful thinking.
I'm not sure why, but there's always just gotta be someone there to judge you, to point out a flaw, to point out something they don't particularly like about you.

And what sucks the most is that whether or not they know you.. it doesn't even matter. They could dislike me just because of the way I look or the way I dress.

I just kinda wish.. we'd stop all of this. Or maybe I wish more people would realize the harm hatred can cause.

I'm no peace activist, nor am I exactly the most zen person to say not to hate, but I've been trying my hardest to not judge anyone without personally knowing them & to not hate, even if I do judge.

Why are emotions so hard to handle?

A little something I needed.

One of the best and memorable conversations I've ever had began with a "I have found the meaning of life, but I can't tell you."

And after hours of non-stop talking, it simply ended with "You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Bye."

He was a stranger. I never knew he existed until that day. I never got any more than his first name. I am probably never going to see him again. It's funny how life works sometimes.

Lack thereof

The days where I lack complete motivation and any fucking drive to do anything, to even simply live, or get out of bed, are the worst days. Ever.

I know they're bad. And I know I should be a bit more.. motivated. But I'm not.

This is a phase I constantly jump back to. No matter how strong I am or try to be, it always comes straight back to first base. And it's not just an every now and then phase. It's an every week, almost, or every other day. It is just becoming so much more frequent. These constant series of downing is killing me ever so slowly. Ever so fucking slowly.

And I kind of don't want it to end at all, in a sense. Admittedly, I am weak. I know for a fact that I am so damn weak. But it's okay. We all have our weaknesses, our little issues, our problematic wall to jump over.

But when will I become psychologically strong enough to knock it down once and for all?

Thoughts. Oh, thoughts.

I think I may want to start a happiness meme 365. starting today.

Or talk about my day as much as I can. I never really got around to it the last few times I said I would, though.

I really need to finish my Kafka on the Shore essay.
It's a great book, but analysing it is proving to be a bit of a hassle.. and a slight challenge. This book gives you some straightforward themes, but interpreting the symbolism and the magical realism that is going on is the hard part. I'm not much of a fantastical person. Perhaps it's because it takes a little more digging.

Hmm.

That could be it.

I really want to sing. I really want to sing as loud as I can.

And sleep, I really want to sleep.

I want to sing.. and sleep. Not at the same time, of course. But these are the two things I currently crave.

I need to do my homework. I don't have too much to do.. but it's still a hassle.
My brain's been off for the past however many days.

Mmmmmmm..

Memories. A strong theme in Kafka. At least I think so.
Miss Saeki lived her life without reason and only became alive during her memories.
"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart." My favorite quote because it's absolutely true and this applies to me so much.

Tired. I guess I'm gonna stop for now. My brain seems to be quite dysfunctional as of late. :/ Notgoodman.

A new beginning.

"A new year, a new beginning" is always such a cliche thing to say, isn't it?

This year was the first time I didn't make it to 12am to celebrate with everyone else. I fell asleep on the couch instead. Waking up at around 10am, and almost forgetting that it was January 1st made it seem like such a regular day.

Then I thought.. why must the new year be a new beginning? I could always change myself. In fact, I'm always changing already. But what's with these resolutions? I could begin any time I want.

And so, this year, I don't really have resolutions for the new year (given that I probably won't accomplish them anyhow).

I feel extremely lethargic, and I should change that mindset of mine.

I should do what I feel instead of what others want me to do.

I could have started any moment though.